Strive · for · understanding · over · being · understood

So a week from today, i will have worked 12 days straight 8-5 everyday in downtown. I knew this job was going to be hard and I knew it was going to take a lot out of me, but I didnt think it was going to be this insane. Its what I want to do and im not going to quit but oh my god this is crazy! There is so much going on and to think that it could all be for nothing if no one likes what we've done. I think the line will sell. I hope it will. Or else I will be so mad. Im nervous...worried...tired...feeling like a crazy person drinking an unheard of amount of caffeine everyday just to somewhat function. The past two days I have had these really bad migraines...the kind that feel like your head is being punched over and over again. I know it will get easier and I know that being a design assistant is like the worst job on earth. But if I want to be a designer and I don't have any plans on going to school for it, I have to do this. I cant really complain because in the end I love this job. Its just really difficult to not see my family or my friends as much and when I do have free time, I'm too tired to do anything...This is the best thing I could be doing right now though. I dont really know what else there would be. If I quit this job, I would get some stupid part time job again and probably just get stoned everyday and think about what i should be doing. So needless to say, quitting is not an option. Hopefully I will be moving out of agoura soon....finally. I have found a few places and now I just need to find the time to go and see them...I will really miss living with my brother but its time for me to move out. I can't be 20 and living at home...I would feel so shitty about myself. I need to have the experience of living in a different environment and paying for my own rent and living with roomates and hating them or loving them and buying my own food and decorating my new room....all of that shit. It would be good for me. Not to mention how mellow my life would become to not have to take the freeway everytime i want to go anywhere outside agoura. 

anyway
i wish i could spend the weekend in SF with two comforters and subway and weed and chad
but no
im just here with weed
and thats ok i guess
it could be better
i'll be there soon enough

the excuse given for multiple drunken nights and stoned days?
you're only young once.
Well im nearly 20. I feel as if I'm getting old. I don't think its appropriate for me to behave like a drunken moron anymore. Maybe I should take this job seriously. And maybe spending this much time away from my friends is a good idea. Maybe i'm not sure about a few things and maybe i should try out a different lifestyle and see what happens. Maybe it isn't a good idea and maybe its the best idea. I don't know about a lot of things right now and I don't know what to think about a lot of people. I don't know if searching for certain things in a person is a good idea. I don't know if those certain things exist anymore. And i'm not sure if I'm right and theres a good chance I'm wrong. I guess that depends on who you ask. Lately I feel out of place more than not and I don't understand why people behave the way they do. Is that how thats supposed to work? Or I am the only one that sees its wrong? Thats unlikely. Maybe I need a new enviornment or maybe I'm supposed to learn from the one I'm in. Or maybe I'm just insane and this is all in my head.

today i cut my credit cards in half.
i feel free.

so i want to have a post new years celebration at my house
and the following people are required to attend:
chad
linsee
alyssa
sarahhassss
cameron
mandee
teresa
sarah

casual cocktails and polaroids
dress up
its more fun that way.

i dont know what to do.

2006 was the fastest year of my life.

my new years resolution?
quit smoking.

"Why does Christmas remain so popular when it is such an asinine and antiquated celebration? I mean, can you imagine if they invented it for the first time this year? 'Let's have a big festival, where everybody spends more than they can afford on gifts that nobody wants. Then, they can all pretend to be grateful whilst stuffing themselves with platefuls of unhealthy food.' It would never catch on. There are other things, too, that we do out of habit and obligation. And we can at least recognise and avoid some of these. If you want this to be a great week, honour what you feel, not what you feel you ought to feel. "

-Jonathan Cainer.

oh my god.
so yesterday i find out that shit about the ticket and whatever the fuck.
and then today i go to check my bank account just to see whats up, make sure i dont overdraw...and i see that my paycheck from work BOUNCED.
what the fuck
so now i have to go in to work and call the asshole owner and have him send me cash tomorrow.
im staying in tonight
also, i will be cleaning out my closet tomorrow
and getting rid of everything i havent worn in the past 6 months
and im dead serious
so if you think you would want some of my stuff
let me know

also
tuesday
december 19th
ok go is playing a show
oh god that rhymes
anyway
its 5 bucks
who wants to go?
i want to personally congratulate them for coming up with the coolest way to use a treadmill.

welll welll welllllllll
FUCK THE DMV AND THE LOS ANGELES COURTHOUSE.
ugh
apparently i have an outstanding ticket
i got this said ticket on 8/18/2005. 
i was pulled over on the way to erin qualls house with stella in the front seat.
it was for my expired registration tags (because i am a lazy fuck and didnt put the new ones on until like a month after i got them)
soooooo
i got a "fix it" ticket
i went to court on october 18th, 2005 to pay the ticket

so i go to the fucking dmv today
and they tell me they cant give me a new license based on the fact that i have this lovely ill-documented outstanding ticket.
and the kicker!
i have to go to the van nuys courthouse on monday (my only day off until new years) to deal with this stupid bullshit.

tonight will be good.

OH MY GOD

christmas with the dickinsons 
10 p.m. 
oxygen channel
I AM SO EXCITED!